RRKP

The anger is more or less fully suppressed. I always know that whatever I am doing now is only a means to an end.

My sis told me that I should stop being negative since I know the means and end theory, so just get over the anger and move on.

I felt very angry when I heard that. I told her I can't talk to her about this, it made me feel worse. The same goes for my whining sessions to bf, same, he cannot empathize, he sympathize...

On the 3rd day, I met my dear fren Cow for lunch. I surprised myself, I did not whine and get emotional at all (I was very emotional on day 1 n 2). It striked me tha I don't have to upset myself so much.

Cow is also not happy at work, though he's not so whinny like me, he's not happy. We talked about the means and end thing and the empathy relieved my aggrieved soul instantly.

I remember that I have to look outside my anger, I can see that my/our fate is not sealed yet. What we are now facing is only temporary, it will be over when we earned our means, the ending will be sweet, cos we worked hard for it. Just like seeing the rainbow after the grey gloomy rain.

Me's mood BC (Before Cow)

我的天空是灰色的，我也变成黑白的，只有眼泪是蓝色的。但我相信，有一天，我会恢复色彩的.

Ya, I think unhappy ppl blog.

I am unhappy.

I blog.

Yes, I blog when I'm unhappy.

I AM VERY ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY today.

Thats what I do for 95% of the things. Especially waking up in the morning.

It's a everyday thing, no matter how much I wnt to save on the ridiculous peak hour cab fare. or no maater how bad I want to stop feeling paisei about reaching office grossly late.... cannot wake up means cannot wake up.

"Later" is the most frequently used work in my life. Not "no". I don't like to say "no". Because there are too may better answers than that.

Time waits for no one, no one can escape from time, not even procastinators. Later is part of time...

Later later later...

I have a psychic cactus.

It seem to be able to foretell my career prospect...

I've got it when I was working at the local big bro gabbie bank, it was short and stumpy and remained 5cm tall for 4 years...

When I moved to the Jappy bank, it grew slowly over the first 3 years to 12 cm and just got stuck there for there till yr 4, then it was gradually drying up and turning yellow during the last year, I tot it's gonna mati soon...

When I switched to the Amalikan bank, it amazingly grew green and sprouted up another 1 to 2 cm in just 4 months.

I haven't been checking it's progress for a while, as I was travelling like mad for the new job at the Briton bank for the past 3 months....

I saw it today, it looked worse than my jappy days, shrinked all over the place and it was brown (machiam spiky chye poh).... Well, the ex-boss that brought me into the brit bank resigned, his boss also resigned and stranded all the followers in the brit place like orphans. No wonder the cactus also dying...

I see no sense in sucking up to the new boss, who seem to leave the current team in the office to rot, not firing us, not using us... jus waiting to see us rust and finally decay....

In their position, it seems like competence is of no significance. Loyalty is the star quality. Actually, I know I can do it if she hands me a job, but I know I won't be made use of, at least from what it seems now...

Just see whats up in the market, while it's still hot....

Yes, things cannot be controlled. Let them take it's natural course. And hope they will straighten themselves out and turn out to be good for me.

Sometimes you try to protect yourself too much, so much so that you go into rejection mode and deny yourself and others of things that are important...

Sometimes you doubt yourself and distanced away from your close ones...

Sometimes you try to take too much in such haste, you didn't have time to see the important things you've dropped in the course....

Now, just let things take it's natural course, they will turn out to be whatever they intended to turn out anyways, it just takes longer if you try to manuilate them...

thats wat my overseas counterpart tell me when i call to ask him to cover my dept's duties for bcp

he said without us he also go the same thing, no porblem he can cover, cos it does not make a difference. and "I also don't know what's the significance of your role"

i want to reply "c.b., i agree with you."

i neh curse ok, his name really c.b.... its true

in 33's view, my dept is totally dispensible and disbandable. the only person they need is my boss. thats all. not anyone else. fullstop.

Old hag = 33

New class = my new course

I never felt this old, my class is divided into 2 terms per semester, each term is 6 weeks. 2 subject each term, 2 online test + 1 group assignment + one exam/individual assignment per subject, that makes up 8 online test + 4 group assignment + 4 individual assignment/exam per semester!!!

I find it a bit hard to catch up with the tempo... look at those fresh young things in class, you can see the energy bursting out of their eyes... I really feel old... chuan arh...

Work harder bah lao cha bo... si bei sian lor... got myself into deep shit again...

I know how to be happy now, I know when I feel totally contented. All I ask for now is just a chance, to be happy, please let me have it. I'll treasure it. It's not easy things work out till they are like now, I just hope that I've not screwed it.

If things don't take a turn for the worse, do you keep you questions to yourself...

Do you not ask for certainty?

Do you not satisfy your curiosity?

I do and I don't.

I do, when I can't conquer my insecurities and appease my inquisitive thoughts...

I don't when the fear of losing what I currently have and enjoy for a fact. I fear that the answer will take the moment of contentment away.

The vicious cycle, something I always speak of. The fear made me store my doubts, then the doubts get bigger and heavier, till I can't bear them, till I blurt out all my insecurities, so much so it hurt others and hurt myself.

I hate to work. I hate working there. I hate everyday that I don't spend time with people that matters doing things that matters.

Work does not matter... Perharps it used to, but now, I hate work, it hinders my life... Shit, but if I don't work, where do I fund the money to live my life. I hate I hate I hate to work.